Winter Doesn’t Cause Traffic Jams, People Do!

Here are two pictures. In one, we have our worst commuting nightmare. In the second, a peaceful scene. Note that snow is in abundance in both, and yet, the two situations couldn't be more different. Why? People, people. 

Snow is consistently and routinely blamed for everything. But here is hard evidence that while traffic jams occur in winter, it has nothing to do with snow. If snow caused traffic jams, there would be a snarl-up in picture #2. As we all know, traffic jams happen in the summer, too. Obviously, snow has nothing to do with that either.

Clearly, it's people that cause the problem and it's people who want to blame something or someone other than themselves. Winter has been a convenient scapegoat. Therefore, on behalf of my client I would ask that next time you cause, contribute to, or are otherwise involved in a wintertime traffic snarl up, take a look in the mirror and not out the window before casting aspersions.

An Exclusive Interview with Winter

[Editor's Note: Obviously, for security reasons we can not tell you where, or under what circumstances, this rare interview occurred. Suffice to say, it was cool. It's not every day we get to meet an icon. Throughout the agency review and selection process we dealt exclusively with subordinates Freezing Rain, North Wind, and Hoary Frost.]

AgencyNext(AN): You wanted to speak with us?

Old Man Winter (OMW): You've got to set the record straight.

AN: Sir?

OMW: I don't arrive, I don't show up, Winter doesn't make premeditated travel plans. The world tilts and these misinformed complainers come to me. People go to Winter and not the other way around.

AN: Good point, sir. But since most people stay where they are while the world wobbles, what would you suggest we tell them to do?

AMW: Migrate. Make New England a three season resort. Relocate permanently south of Virginia? How should I know. Not my problem. I'm here where I always am, they travel to me. For them to say stuff like 'Winter is coming' is ridiculous. Fix it. That's what I'm paying you for isn't it?

AN: Yes sir. Anything else?

OMW: Yes, stop encouraging this 'Old Man' baloney. I don't like it. It's not cool.

“Snow White” and other slurs must end

Think I'm not using the word slur correctly? Here's the definition from Merriam Webster. It is disparaging to the natural element snow to use it as the first name of an unmarried adult woman who, let's face it, slept in the same house with seven grown men… seven men who, by the way, epitomized everyone's mental picture of the quintessential "dirty old man." You know what they were thinking… what they were looking at! To name her Snow is an outrage. All those in favor of changing Ms. White's first name to Rain or Blistering Sunshine say Aye…

And another thing, snowbird, snowbound, "pure as the driven snow" and snow as a euphemism for smack can also go by the boards any day now. Winter, the leading global supplier of snow, is right in its assertion that this is an insulting trend that must come to an end.

December is the Love Month

According to this ABC news report, births peak in September around here. Know what that means? There's a lot of love in the air in December. Do the math. I'm talking looooove!

That means Winter, which begins in December, has something special to offer you… love, romance, and the pitter patter of little feet come autumn. What could possibly be more "winter"ful than that?

Also, isn't December the month of diamonds. There are diamonds in the snow on a sunny day and diamonds on the fingers of women just engaged. December is a Tiffany month. Christmas, New Years (December 32nd)… December is forever.

Ah, December… quilts, comforters, a little chablis in a sparking glass, a Dr. Zhivago CD, and fire in the bedroom…

Don’t use the “B” word Lightly

A lot of people with negative thoughts and irrational feelings about Winter will rush to invoke the "B" word anytime the temperatures decline and a snowflake wafts to earth. Please, before you call a lovely and ordinary snow event a Blizzard, familiarize yourself with the term's definition. Blizzard isn't a word you want to toss around lightly. That kind of slanderous behavior damages the reputation of my client.

Again, courtesy of Wikipedia, here's the definition of a blizzard: …the winter storm must have winds of 40 km/h (25 mph) or more, have snow or blowing snow, visibility less than 1 km (about 5⁄8 mile), a wind chill of less than −25 °C (−13 °F), and that all of these conditions must last for 4 hours or more before the storm can be properly called a blizzard.

Opening Remarks

I'm not a lawyer. I just play one in the blogosphere.

Ladies and gentlemen of the January, jury…I will prove during these trying times in the days ahead that Winter is innocent. A cold, calculating, sinister force? No. Autumn is the culprit. While Winter is blamed, autumn never takes the fall.

Condsider: It is autumn that denudes the trees; turns the grass brown; hardens the ground; shaves minutes of light from each day; frosts the pumpkin; kills the flowers. By the time winter arrives, everything is already dead. Dead!

Autumn is the accomplice.  Autumn wraps itself in the arms of people's romantic imaginations while fueling Winter's get-away car and loading the upper atmosphere. Autumn has been framing Winter for years and it is time the truth be known. Stay tuned…